dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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