After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
