I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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