remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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