After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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