The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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