WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
