Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
