she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
