I'm drive I can fine osifer
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
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there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
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I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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