please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
