did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I need to align my fucking chakras
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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