I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
