A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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