my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
