Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
