I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
