I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
My ATM looks so different sober.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
