Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
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