i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
