i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
