i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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