The maid of honor just puked.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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