It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
smell my finger.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
