If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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