God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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