Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize
