On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
