had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
