As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
