I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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