Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
