I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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