It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
