did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
