I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
