Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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