no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
