I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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