I hate all girls vehemently.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
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Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
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Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
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