Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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