My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
