was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
