Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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