I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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