Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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