I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
