Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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