Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
