Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
