Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
