Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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