anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
