a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
