Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
