Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
