I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
