better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
