I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
